Whitesugar all night Dance/Rave
Bogna Regis,
31st July 1993 - 01 August 1993
Hi there ....I fell in love this night- 31/07/93 ,it was love at first sight, he was the most handsome man I've ever seen (Before or since), I was too scared to approach him, even though he watched me dance all night. He also followed me to the front desk and tried to speak to me, but I just thought he was too good for me, so I snook round him I couldn't even look at his loveliness, I couldn't look him in the eye. It was fear and paranoia that stopped me, fear of him finding me 'not quite good enough', if we had started dating - my rough old car , my shabby house, my silly job. YET , I knew from the very moment I saw his face, that we should have been together,(Or at least talking to each other). Don't ask me how I knew, I had waited all my life for this moment, (I was 20 something when it happened), it was a profound moment of truth which I believe all human beings live for ...i.e. To find the ultimate love, to find the perfect love, in adoration, commitment, contentment, equality and familiarity, I didn't know if we were equals in social status, education or religious beliefs, but it felt so right... so, so right!!!! Why was he so good looking though?, I was melting inside at the mere thought of us together, How could I cope with his pure beauty?
When I first walked in to the Whitesugar All-night Dance 31.07.93, it was quite late, about 11.20pm, near midnight. The place was very empty compared to previous nights... yes I was a regular... HE (lets call him Michael), Michael was with a small group of 3 or 4 lovely people, one guy was quite small and cute looking with dark hair and a roman nose and there was a fabulously attractive young lady with long brown hair. I don't recall the others. I walked straight through their group, only to get a closer look! This guy had grabbed my attention, I could only see the back of him, but something in my mind, made me think I knew him, he seemed so familiar, he was the perfect height, the perfect size, the perfect manly look to his clothes. Then.... I caught a glimpse of his face...and that was it... I truly knew why we were born to live...why all my life's moves and education, my career, likes and dislikes had brought me to this one moment in time.It was to see GOD'S PLAN!!! and to be in the most desirable situation imaginable. Looking at one's soul mate ....Looking at my soul mate... it's a heavenly feeling of utter elation, a catch your breath feeling of shock and adulation, ....OH MYGOD, how brilliant 'a plan' life is!!!! How utterly unimaginably serene this felt, how fantastic, magical, blessed and shaken to the core of my being- I felt. All that stuff I'd read about, one whole soul split into two, male and female souls of this one soul, split apart and were born and had to find each other on Earth...twin flames, true soulmates....IT IS TRUE. and GOD DOES TRULY EXIST!!!!!!!!!!
His face was similar as mine, but he had raven wavy hair and his eyes were so familiar in the most beautiful way, such kind, understanding eyes, but light and fiery and intelligent. He had the same body type as myself and was not too much taller than me. I was going through a bit of a indulgent phase at the time... not my normally svelte size10 - I was a 12 then, I felt frumpy and coarse, not confident, not beautiful, I wasn't looking or feeling my best, I was wearing a stupid outfit, a skirt... I never wore skirts. When I saw him I thought, Why? Why? Why is this happening? I'm not prepared. I wanted to be a goddess for him... (I still have the outfit, but not the shoes, they crippled me that night)
The thing is, my friend Sasha, who is tall and blonde, was trying to have a bit of a falling out with me, Oh- I remember it so well now, she ignored me all night, we had a little crappy argument in front of The Man of My Dreams,We had only just arrived, I was walking up to him, having only just seen his face , all those thoughts about God, the Universe, soul mates, true happiness, Love and the earthly plan of mankind were going though my mind. I was in seventh heaven, but she was shouting at me, and having a tantrum, I came back to earth with such a thud.
You see my car had broken down a couple of days earlier, so I couldn't do the normal drive from Southsea to Bogna Regis in my little clapped out black fiat 127 (sport)... , I was frantic all that day, trying to get a lift arranged to take me to Whitesugar in Bogna Regis... all day I had the most incredibly heightened feelings, butterflies in my stomach. I couldn't eat...all I knew was that, I definitely had to go to Whitesugar that night, by hook or by crook I'd get there ....I was still ringing around people at 7.30pm. Nobody that usually went to Whitesugar was going, except a handful of people. I lived with Sasha, I knew she was seeing this guy called Johnny, I begged her to ask Johnny to take us... I told her I'd pay for her ticket, 'thank God' - he agreed and we left Southsea at 10.30pm, thing is, she was having an on/ off relationship with Johnny and he didn't like the situation, but he didn't say anything to me, so I didn't know what he was thinking and he wouldn't speak to Sasha when we got to Whitesugar. This is what the argument was about, he wouldn't speak to her and she was blaming me. Sasha went off to sit on her own, but I wanted to dance with and meet the man of my dreams. Plus I was on extasy and couldn't think straight. I stupidly didn't even try to speak to Sasha after that, and she ignored me... the damned extasy had started to work and I was in a dreamy daze and it also made me very paranoid, so much so that I couldn't cope with the one and only time I fell in love-I was letting it go for a rhythmical beat that was drawing me in and sending me off into another world, for I only made my move much later... if ever I was making a terrible mistake, it was this night and through being on drugs.
I was having a terrible night, anxiously half watching him - watching me , hoping he'd pick up the courage to come and dance or offer me a drink- so we could get chatting, but it didn't happen. I should have offered him a drink, but I only had £3.00 on me, after buying 2 tickets, giving cash for petrol, cigarettes and drugs. I think he was smoking reefers too, which makes people paranoid, plus he was probably looking at me thinking 'She looks weird and out of her head'. He was having second thoughts about me, or maybe the same thing was going through his mind too and he couldn't approach me because he was feeling the awe of being in front of his soul mate too. Why was he so unreadable? So cool and aloof... not a care on his face, take it or leave it expression, just a pseudo smile of kindness as if placating me and my timid glances, he seemed like a power house of enigmatic surety, a steely man of the world, who had met a hundred women like me.. I was in the spotlight -dancing, losing my religion.
All night I was hoping he would speak to me or introduce himself. He had asked his friends to go to the other end of the hall and he sat to the right of the DJ stand, next to the speakers, in the corner. Why did he ask them to leave?, if they had stayed I could have struck up a conversation with his friends and then asked them to introduce us. I've played out so many scenarios of that night. What if he had done this?, Or I hadn't done that?, Why was I on extasy?, Why didn't I just grab him and drag him off to the beach for a walk under the stars? Why didn't he grab hold of me? So, so many regrets...!.
Time had past, I was in such a daze, I was swept away in my extasy drug haze, dancing and dancing, coming in and out of consciousness. Each time I came too, he was still there, after a while I said to myself, 'Right now, go and get a drink' a couple of my friends were at the bar, Anthony and Nigel from Chichester, but I couldn't even speak to them that's how done in I was- and so paranoid. I got myself a drink . I made my mind up to go and sit with him and introduce myself. but I turned around, he was sitting with another woman, such a beauty, blonde hair, nice figure, nice clothes, (I'm sure I had seen her when I went for a job interview at NTL in Waterlooville a few years later).I did try!!!!...but I couldn't manage to approach him, it would have been rude anyway. He was talking to another woman and my paranoia made me think he'd gone off me, Who could blame him anyway?, I was dazed and didn't really know what to do, I started dancing again, and went off into a dream world.
Then I came to, he was still sitting there, still watching me make the biggest fool of myself on the dance floor. I asked someone what time it was, it was 4 o'clock in the morning, What! I couldn't believe it ...I must have had amnesia on the extasy, because it had only felt like I had been there for an hour. I was a mess, I needed to go and straighten myself out, comb my hair, wash my face and apply some makeup, I ran through the hall and went to the ladies, it was packed and I had to wait my turn. I managed to get myself together but I was gone for 10 minutes, I was asking myself what I was going to say to him and how I was going to approach him. finally I was ready, hurriedly I made my way back to the hall.
I went up to where he had been sitting, by the speakers, He's not there!!! WHERE IS HE????? OH GOD, OH GOD,WHERE IS HE???? Oh my God!, Oh my God! I walked to the back of the hall, where his group of friends were... Where are they??? , I walked back out to the foyer to look around, maybe I'd missed them. I wandered round and around and around for ages and ages and ages, asking anyone and everyone "Have you seen the guy that was sat there all night? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Nobody knew, nobody had even noticed. Terrified, and so,so frightened that I may never see him again, I ran to the exit, I walked out into the glorious morning, not a soul in sight. I walked round to the car park, but nobody was around. Where is he? What is his name? Will I ever see him again? (apparently not yet!)
I didn't realize what a terrible mistake I had made, extasy, drugs, I was lost, how could I ever see him again.... the next Whitesugar dance, Yes-Yes-Yes, next month, he's bound to be there. I'll wait, but my family had booked a holiday and I went to Tunisia for 2 weeks, so I missed that one, I went to the next one, he wasn't there there either... There weren't anymore Whitesugar all-nighters after that. Unbelievable!!!
'Michael the Whitesugar man'. I'm still alive, waiting for the day we will meet again. It's true I'm here waiting. Holding on because, the universe reminds me of you everyday.
Have you seen the video to the REM song- Losing My Religion, that video is almost exactly how it happened, he even looks like you, with the raven wavy hair and the roman features... a serendipitous reminder of the best and worst night of my life.
You wore a cream summer jacket in a linen type of fabric, a lemony-yellow button down collar shirt, navy blue jeans, and black Chelsea boots. ....do I seem desperate???? I couldn't give a monkeys really, I just want to ask you what your favourite colour is. The mysterious man with the scorpio sting your tail. My tones weren't ment to be icy and cold, I didn't laugh at you, I was laughing with joy. I'm sorry I was such a mess. Please forgive me.
Click to email me, if you are the whitesugar man, Michael (I don't even know your name real name?)
